Where Have I Been?

As many of you know, I suffer from two chronic illnesses that cause pain and fatigue, osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. For the last 3 weeks I have been in the throes of the worst "pain flare" in many, many years. Maybe ever.

I have not been inspired to share the struggle as so often it not only sounds like complaining, but also gets me labeled as "sick." These ailments are mostly invisible and I do not like that "sick" label. So, for better or for worse, I have been conserving my energy to try to stay in a place of calmness and even reaching for a spot of peace.

Reading Amy Carmichael's booklet entitled "The Edges of His Way" has helped remind me of the Lord's participating presence even when I do not like how things are going with me.

Seeing the Doctor and trying a new fibromyalgia drug has made me cautiously aware that there may be medical help and hope available. Of course, if you red the potential side effects in detail you never want to even swallow it.

Getting an appointment in mid-July with a Rheumotologist has been frustrating. I did not want to wait that long for his input, but I have no choice.

Accepting the facts that I can no longer keep my gardens like I want without help, I can no longer keep my house like I want without help, has been rough, but a necessary part of "acceptance with joy." I am older now and not nearly as spry as even 5 years ago, much less 10 or 20 years ago. 

Listening to recordings of guided meditations has helped me calm down and replace fear and angst with acceptance and steady peace. There is always a temptation with this type of pain to run to the furthest negative conclusion that "Life will always be just like this forever."  Returning to a poem I penned about 14 years ago has helped me look beyond my body onto a new place of intercession. Below is an excerpt from that poem written in 1998 entitled "The Ogre of Pain"

Many marvel that I'm so busy and try to accomplish so much.  They are not acquainted with my relentless task master who drives me on in fear that my capacity to accomplish anything will one day be diminished to near zero.

            And then, I'll rise a phoenix intercessor on behalf of God's children engaged perhaps in the biggest battle of my life to date.  With bones cracking, muscles aching, nerves shooting red hot signals to nowhere and everywhere

            outer body diminishing

            while inner woman draws upon her experience with

                                                            a living, dynamic, omnipotent Father and

            she is renewed, remade in His image,

            inhabited daily, hourly, in every cell of her being

            by His Holy Spirit

            overshadowed, indwelt

            in spite of all this carnal container can develop -

                                          a woman of God

                                                  passing through

            journeying towards a home

                                          where all sorrow, all tears, and

                                                                 all pain will be no more.

Forever inhabited by His Spirit

            in rapturous adoration

                                                   of His glory

                                                                     peace

                                                                        and mercy.

Even so, Lord Jesus, I offer my self a living sacrifice unto You. Renew my mind according to Your word and transform even this pain.

The ogre crumbles,

            rivulets of plaster dust

                                 falling from its once daunting facade

                                                              gathering in powder clumps

                                                                   revealing its paltry nature.

May all of your ogres be brought to crumbling, rivulets of plaster
dust as He leads you on in your journey.

Respectfully, Molly D.