Unfailing Love and A Pain Journey

Years ago the Lord showed me this song and I have received healing many times from Him while centering in the lyrics and truth therein.


Recently I have had yet another crossroads in my health and am currently waiting for an appointment at the Spine Clinic to get help managing pain. I hope you will be encouraged in body, mind and spirit by the song.

The poem that follows was my attempt to relate to someone with debilitating illness and pain. She was nevertheless determined to serve the Living God until He called her home. The quote from Natalie Goldberg describes one technique for writing about feelings. That was the technique that brought the poem forth. Hope you enjoy it.

"You must be a great warrior when you contact first thoughts and write from them. Especially at the beginning you may feel great emotions and energy that will sweep you away, but don't stop writing. Write right through the tears so you can come out on the other side and not be thrown off by the emotion."
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

98-12-25 Ogre of Pain by Molly Lin Dutina

"If I let myself feel the pain will I become intoxicated with the pain? Overwhelmed by the pain, will my life then become JUST PAIN with no other sensation, value, or purpose? Will I be consumed with gauging the pain
sitting in the pain
walking in the pain?
All my perceptions dulled except to the pain
under the pain
in the pain
pain through and through
pain behind me
ahead of me pain
on all sides of me pain
above me
beneath me
My life reduced to pain.
In every cell pain.
Sleeplessness because of pain.
Poor rest when sleeping due to pain.
If I feel the pain will I have the fortitude and courage to live beyond the pain? Somehow given grace to override the pain
not censor it or
ignore it or
deny it but
live a life in the midst of pain, always haunted by pain?
Pain of bone deterioration, unexplainable muscle pain,
unwarranted from any strain or excess.

Pain
my life
drugged or not
my partner
companion in my genes
product of ancestral history.
Exercise - interesting idea when every step hurts.
Could enough endorphins be released that I'll desire exercise even when most pained?
Jesus awoke in the boat and said, "Why are you so afraid?"
For nine years my life has been pain denial pain drugs pain hope pain drained all hope pain denial. I am afraid that no, the pain will never end, or, even worse, the pain will get worse and envelop, dictate, & control my life.

There, I've written it. Many marvel that I'm so busy and try to accomplish so much. They are not acquainted with my relentless task master who drives me on in fear that my capacity to accomplish anything will one day be diminished to near zero.

And then, I'll rise a phoenix intercessor on behalf of God's children
engaged perhaps in the biggest battle of my life to date. With bones cracking, muscles aching, nerves shooting red hot signals to nowhere and everywhere
outer body diminishing
while inner woman draws upon her experience with
a living, dynamic, omnipotent Father and
she is renewed, remade in His image,
inhabited daily, hourly, in every cell of her being
by His Holy Spirit
overshadowed, indwelt
in spite of all this carnal container can develop -
a woman of God
passing through
journeying towards a home
where all sorrow, all tears, and
all pain will be no more.
Forever inhabited by His Spirit
in rapturous adoration
of His glory
peace
and mercy.
Even so, Lord Jesus, I offer my self a living sacrifice unto You. Renew my mind according to Your word and transform even this pain.


The ogre crumbles,
rivulets of plaster dust
falling from its once daunting facade
gathering in powder clumps
revealing its paltry nature."


I will try to make entries the next few days regarding how the Lord has been leading me and what Scriptures and events He has been using to encourage me along this path through Lent. If one person is encouraged, it will have been worth my time!